One changes a great deal throughout the journey of grief. I can no longer call Roy when I have a few extra minutes. I cannot call him from the office and tell him I am on my way home and that he can put on the ribs for dinner. This reality was instantaneous and took many months to adjust to – to really integrate into my daily awareness that he was not here … anywhere …. nowhere for me to call and to hear his voice. Now I talk to him soul to soul and I know he hears me.
I have learned to trust my insights and knowings about the world and my life inside the bigger world. I call upon me to figure out what needs to be done. I still feel sad when I recognize the aloneness that accompanies me on this journey. However, I am released from the dark veil of grief that shrouded me for so very long. I am fully present to more moments of welcoming the bright times of belonging to the world of possibility. At this stage of my new life I can “multi-task” – I can miss Roy, feel happy, passionate and joyful and live life fully all at the same time. I am thriving in my life – not merely surviving.
Julian of Norwich states: It was not said that you will not be troubled, you will not be be belabored, you will not be disquieted. More so: you will not be overcome.
I was troubled, felt belabored, and experienced deep disquiet for many months. And I was not overcome by Roy’s death. I chose life. For this transformation I am grateful.