Meditation

Finding Home In 2015

Happy New Year! Although I have not written a post since Thanksgiving, I have done a great deal of thinking during the past few weeks about where to go with my posts. I recently recognized that I am ready to move onto topics other than grief. Grief finally found its proper place within my psyche – it is no longer front and center, but instead has settled into a space of compelling awareness. I did not choose this path of learning – it was thrust upon me and took me totally by surprise. As I approach the 4 year anniversary of Roy’s death, I am aware that grief was a bitter learning experience and yet the experience of bitterness allowed me to see how fragile I am and also how strong I am in the fragility.

I have actively engaged in many bodies of work to reach these insights: thrice weekly psychoanalysis, bi-monthly spiritual direction, 5 days a week of intense cardiovascular exercise, daily contemplative prayer and meditation, regular participation in Landmark Education courses, and quarterly readings with an intuitive. I learned last week from my intuitive that Roy has finally arrived “home” after 3 1/2 years of journeying through multi-dimensional fields of space and time – this makes sense because Roy was a rocket scientist after all. Roy is happy in this “promised land” where he has found rest, peace, intellectual companionship, and cosmic aliveness. Since learning of Roy’s arrival to his home destination, I feel free to fully focus with new eyes on my life. Knowing Roy is safe and happy has freed my soul to move onto what is next for me in this incarnation. This liberation has allowed me to move away from grief and to move towards my work with Whispers of Wisdom® in the areas of falling in love as a mature adult, aging, physical fitness, health and sexuality, money, spirituality, and family. In the coming weeks I will be writing about these topics.

The concept of Whispers of Wisdom was born roughly 14 years ago after I attended an 8 hour Live Your Best Life Seminar with Oprah Winfrey in San Francisco. I was exulted by this experience because I had the opportunity to speak to Oprah in front of 2000 people. I acknowledged her work with women and shared that she had inspired me to create more opportunities in my work as a psychotherapist to support women in finding the call of their life. When I later talked to Roy about it, he asked me probing questions as only an intellectual property attorney could do about my passion and Oprah’s inspiration. He was curious about what was being evoked within me about following the call of vocation. I responded that through my work with clients, as well as in my personal life, I was learning that at certain times of an individual’s journey, they are very clear about what needs to be done. Yet at other times it’s hard to hear what our heart and minds or perhaps a higher source of intelligence is trying to tell us to do. I said it’s almost like a whisper at times, difficult to hear and understand, but is filled with so much awareness and wisdom. Then it hit me that we often are listening to inner ‘whispers of wisdom’. He and I both liked the sound of that phrase and Roy began the trademark application process for me. After much contemplation, thinking through, researching, and studying, The Certificate of Registration for Whispers of Wisdom was issued on January 6, 2006.HotPink-Flowers_hearts

I have designated 2015 as The Year of Integration. I will be pulling together the threads of the whispers I have heard during the past several years about vocation, being of service, living a full and happy life, and accepting responsibility for designing that kind of life. The topics I mentioned earlier are the crux of life and play a big part in how we create a meaningful life. It is imperative that we learn to decipher and hear the whispers of wisdom that come at the most unusual times and in a variety of different ways. In the weeks ahead I will share how you too can learn to decipher these ‘whispers of wisdom’.

Namaste and Thank You for taking the time to read my posts.

Now You “See” It, Now You Don’t…

Now you see it, now you don'tI had a meltdown yesterday and it is only December 2!  After an intense session with my analyst, I returned home, ate lunch, and felt exhausted.  I took a 2 1/2 hour nap with my cats and woke up feeling tired. Then I spotted the familiar red wrapped boxes in my kitchen. The day before I bought several boxes of See’s candy to give to various people.  I didn’t think twice – I ripped open one of the boxes and proceeded to eat 7 pieces of candy.  I then made coffee and was able to work for a few hours from the mixture of sugar and caffeine.  I felt no guilt.  So what was the emotional trigger?  I confronted yet again the reality that I miss Roy and our holiday traditions and I am not in a serious love relationship yet  (by my own choice).  I feel alone.

Lastsanta week I decorated my place with our decorations,  as well as those of my mother’s that I have. Now she and Roy are both dead – just writing that four letter word “dead” feels sad and heavy.  I started playing holiday music on Thanksgiving eve – an annual tradition I started with Roy several years ago.  The tradition was a fun and humorous point of contention between us because Roy didn’t really like listening to holiday music all day, every day, for 30 days.  So now when I hear the music I reflect on how much I miss his sarcasm about the music and yet, I still love listening to it. I am grateful that I can listen to it again and that I decorated for the holidays.

Three years after Roy’s death, the holidays still warrant critical focus on physical, emotional and spiritual self care.  So what am I doing?  I have my five day per week exercise routine that I stick to, I eat sensibly and allow for holiday cheer in moderation (the other boxes of See’s candy will be delivered tomorrow and I put the one I attacked in the garbage this morning), I see my analyst, I journal, I work on my projects, I pray as I look at the ocean each morning, I help others by giving my time to charities I support, and I am making plans with friends and family for fun outings between now and January 1, 2015.  I am creating balance in my days.  I have carved out time for quiet reflection, as well as dates to be with people I love and feel at home with.  This is critical for those of us who have endured the loss of loved ones. I don’t believe it is healthy to spend a great deal of time alone or to be so overextended with activities that we are tired and disconnected from our core self. Balance is the name of the game.

Romain RollandAs a mental health practitioner and a widow of 3+ years, I know that holidays are particularly hard for those who are grieving.  If grief is new to you, then your capacity to plan activities might be hindered – let someone help you plan what you will do or have someone stay with you.  The late French author Romain Rolland says: “Be reverent, before the dawning day. Do not think of what will be in a year, or in ten years. Just think of today.”  So whether grief is new or familiar, take good care of you right now.  Cry, sob, rest, pray, eat, and love – that is enough for this holiday season.

Namaste,

Kathleen

What are you trying to tell me?

Sahasrara chakraFor the past year and a half I have had a chronic need to scratch the top of my head. This is a recurring condition that surfaces when I am under stress. As a result of the scratching, I have a bald spot at the top of my head in the crown chakra area. The crown chakra, Sahasrara in the Hindu tradition, is associated with one’s relationship to the eternal, a higher power, or God. Health issues associated with the crown chakra include nervousness and skin disorders. When I am nervous, anxious, bored, daydreaming, or driving my hand will make its way up to the spot. I feel soothed while I scratch this spot – similar to how one feels while biting her nails. I want this to stop but have not found the correct modality for stopping the itch. I know I am itching to soothe something – the continuing anxiety that has accompanied me since Roy’s death. Or maybe I itch to soothe the anger and rage that I feel about the unfairness of life. Or perhaps my spiritual life is demanding more attention.

This week I made an appointment with a cranial sacral practitioner (www.upledger.com) to see if she could help me. The minute I walked into her office I felt a sense of calm. I became tearful as I explained my issue and outlined all that I have been dealing with since Roy’s death. She was very compassionate and reflected back to me that it was apparent to her that I have worked very hard to get to the place I am today. We proceeded with my session and at end she asked that I talk to the sore spot on my head and see what it could tell me. She left the room and placed a piece of blank paper on her desk. She suggested that I write down what I heard. I heard the spot tell me that it was angry at God for taking Roy from me. For the next 24 hours I did not scratch my head – this was the longest period of relief in 18 months. It would seem that my spiritual life is asking for attention.

Louise Hay you can heal your lifeMetaphysical and intuitive healer Louise Hay writes about self healing and the mind-body connection. I checked her book You Can Heal Your Life for some ideas. In this book, Hay discusses that the body, like everything else in life, is a mirror of our inner thoughts and beliefs. Our bodies are always talking to us – we just need to take the time to listen. She states that THE HEAD represents our sense of ourselves. It is what we show the world. When something is wrong with the head area, it typically means we feel something is wrong with “us”.

So what does this all mean to me, my life and this latest episode of head scratching? My mind is overworked by the continuing acclimation to this strange new world as a single woman. In some ways I continue to feel odd as a single woman. However, at the same time, I am dating men and am learning to enjoy how it feels to get close to some of them. “Getting close” involves being vulnerable and opening up about me, my life, and my dreams. Not too surprisingly “getting close” raises stress levels – I wonder consciously and undoubtedly unconsciously about how am I being seen by these new men – am I accepted and acceptable?

As Louise Hay notes, the head represents our sense of self. I believe the head scratching is how my body is letting me know that I worry about being accepted more than I am consciously aware of. In other words, unconsciously the symptom is scratching at me to be recognized. Bottom line: Will I ever be loved by another man as I was by Roy. More so, will I love myself well enough to stand tall in my new life as a single woman and be secure whether I meet a new special someone or not?

relection-womanI will continue to work with my cranial sacral practitioner. I already have a better understanding about the mind-body-spiritual connection. On many conscious levels all is well in my world. I think this regularly and proceed “full steam ahead”. The top of my head however is saying “Pay Attention … Go slowly … Something is bubbling to the surface”. I am learning to manage this nervous scratching/soothing habit by talking to the top of my head … Asking questions like “what do you want to tell me”. Then I sit and reflect while looking out at the ocean from my terrace. I am calmed by the eternal nature of the ocean and am connecting to my understanding of the Divine. The journey of grief waxes and wanes – my body and spirit know this in many ways that my mind does not.

Namaste.

Cats, Coffee and Pink Bougainvillea

tableThe greatest joy in my life is when I am sitting at my small, round, wood-top table looking out at the ocean – my feet propped up on the chair and my body calm. These moments, minutes and oftentimes hours of being right here is a slice of heaven on earth. Often my cats join me for the quiet solitude that is brought to us through the sounds of the crushing waves, the passing by of a school of dolphins, and the swarms of pelicans that swoop by the plate glass window.

I see bright colors of red, purple and pink bougainvillea falling from the trellises, sharp pointed green cacti, and the deep blue ocean framed by the largess of a unending sky.

I begin each day in this way, make my coffee, sprinkle cat treats on the floor for my three feline friends, and open the small kitchen windows, from which I also sneak a view of the ocean.

gaiaWhen I sit in my chair with my freshly brewed coffee, prop my feet up and gaze at the magnificent Pacific Ocean, I am in the presence of the Divine. Since Roy’s death, I have come to depend on this ritual of welcoming the vast ocean into my day. Thank you, Gaia, for being here to support me and to remind me that Roy’s spirit is right here with me.

In these moments I am united with Roy. His spirit is now part of the Big Spirit, the Spirit that fills the ocean, embodies my feline companions, and encourages me to keep living in the physical realm. I am grateful to have this special bird’s-eye view of Mother Earth from my little corner of the world. The breeze floats in with the fresh ocean air. I smell life and I am alive.

In a week, the third anniversary of Roy’s death arrives.  I am grateful for the small daily blessings that inspire me to live my life fully – honoring Roy’s memory and embracing my life.  Those of us who grieve recognize these markers on our journeys knowing that life continues to unfold in wondrous ways.