Fear

Unexpected Transitions: When Life Throws Us a Curve Ball

Happy Birthday Whispers of Wisdom®. Today is your third anniversary of being launched! Wow… the time has gone quickly. When I wrote my first post in 2014, I was approaching the third anniversary of Roy’s death and thought I had “come through the grief” – which in a certain way I had. However, adding on another three years has taught me that this journey never truly ends. When we lose our life partner, we are faced with a choice: Stay paralyzed by the grief or become the author of our new life, which is what I chose to do. In my marriage, I had a different relationship with myself. My late husband and I shared responsibilities for one another – we had each other’s backs, we supported each other’s dreams, and we immersed ourselves in attaining our dreams. I was not 100% responsible for all the tasks of daily life – I could talk things over with Roy and get a great second opinion. We shared the joys and sorrows of life – we watched the world events and discussed them. We faced the world with two hearts, four eyes, and an incredible bond of loyalty to one another.

What do I know now that I didn’t know three years ago? Being single at 64 years of age is hard, often lonely, and yet as I become more and more accustomed to the aloneness, I find freedom. I have recognized that overcoming this horrible trauma and pain has led me to a new awareness of freedom. There is not much else that can stop me now that I have “digested” the reality of Roy’s death. In the aftermath of that life changing event, I was forced to fight for my life, to create new dreams, and in the process have cultivated a new sense of myself that unfolds regularly. I have become more compassionate, more understanding, I speak out against injustice, and support those who are suffering. I don’t tolerate a great deal of BS yet I am learning to widen the aperture of accepting others’ mishigas. I have created a very powerful relationship with myself and I have grown to like my company.

During the past three years, I have enjoyed dating some wonderful men. Each of them has been a valuable contribution to my life. Not too surprisingly, as I got “close” to them, I also pulled back – maintaining a comfortable distance and protecting myself from getting too close and being too vulnerable. The fear of grief has kept me from following the call of love for another man – instead I have been pulled towards self-love. Without knowing, loving and caring for myself in the aftermath of what was traumatic for me, how can I truly let someone get close to me – who is the “me” that is being experienced by others? And now I recognize that this has been the work of the past three years – grappling with becoming the author of my life without the additional responsibility of creating a serious connection with a man.

So as 2017 meanders along, I continue to stay busy with teaching, being of service, meeting men, spending time with my friends, and hanging out with myself and my cats. When I first began grief therapy soon after Roy’s death, I told my grief counselor that it would take seven years for me to heal. I will enter the seventh year in July 2017. I believe this is the year that I may meet someone. I realize that to hold back from loving and being loved because of the reality of grief would be similar to preventing a child from learning to walk because of the risk of falling. We do fall and we do get up again. That is my hope! I’ll keep you posted.

When Things Don’t Go The Way We Expect Them To: Breakdowns

Bundle of EmotionsWe’ve each experienced those times when our plans just fall flat. Maybe you wanted to lose 5 lbs within a month and gained 2 instead. Or perhaps you envisioned finishing a work project and then got hit with the flu and you missed your deadline. It may be a situation where you have been disappointed by a partner or spouse and ended up feeling rejected and hurt. These breakdowns in life are common and often debilitating because we lose our perspective and often find ourselves spinning our wheels in response. I have learned two major lessons about breakdowns: 1) they usually get resolved so we don’t always need to sweat the small stuff and 2) we can reach out for help as required, because two heads are better than one. I have discovered in my four years as a widow that moving from breakdown to breakthrough is an inside job. What do I mean by this? Let me give you a personal example. I dread spending Sunday’s alone. There is a personal history involved with this – Both my husband and father died suddenly on a Sunday. When dread overwhelms me I feel vulnerable, scared, and incapable of comforting myself. The ways I repress the dread revolve around food and money. I mask it by overspending, overeating, and yes drinking too much at times. So I am learning now, 4 years into the journey as a single woman, to reach into a tool box of inner resources. A few days before Easter, I did not have definitive plans. I dreaded the thought of being alone and not included and yet I did not take action to create plans. I recognized that I was playing a familiar game of waiting for a particular kind of invitation, predicting that I wouldn’t receive it, and then I would end up being alone and not included. No big surprise: being alone is a large part of being single. One of the inner resources I pulled from my tool box was recognizing the familiar pattern, reaching out to my good friends, and making plans that ended up being fun. I did not overspend or overeat, bit I did indulge in too much champagne. Hey I am not shooting for perfection but for those whispers of wisdom that are there for me if I listen closely, feel deeply, and think clearly about what is happening in my inner world.

ms crankyPart of the journey of life requires developing a strong mental muscle that allows us to step back from a situation, talking to ourselves in a strong and loving way about what is happening, and to ultimately not react from a young and impulsive state of mind. We have seen little kids screaming, crying, and just a bundle of emotions – they have not developed the mental muscle I am referring to in this post. Here’s the not so good news: we adults still react from a very young part of our minds when confronted by challenging situations. Hence the high rates of impulsive drinking, eating, and buying behaviors we observe In ourselves and our friends.

My prescription for developing mental muscle in order to have a breakthrough: Stop, take a deep breath, calm down, evaluate what is occurring, identify the not so positive, yet familiar inner story we are telling ourselves, think things over before responding, and then file this information for future reference. In my case, I will plan to have people over to my place when the next holiday arrives. People love my place on the ocean! Cheers!

 

keep-calm-sunday

You Betch-em Red Rider!

I have looked life in the face with open eyes. I have learned that it takes courage to keep both feet in the game of life. I have learned since being on my own that I need to say NO to so many urges and impulses. Saying NO to the impulse is putting off short term gratification. This NO in facts transforms into a YES for long term satisfaction.

I recently interviewed for a full time teaching position. I learned yesterday that I was not chosen for the job. How do I feel? Sad, disappointed, relieved, and angry. What do I want to do in the wake of being told NO? I want to indulge myself with anything and everything: clothes, food, alcohol, a massage, a trip, perfume, etc. Buy, eat, indulge – a very different message than EAT, PRAY, LOVE! My financial reality tells me NO. My commitment to losing 20 lbs this year says NO. I cannot say yes to these impulses in order to mask my feelings for the short term relief. Instead, I am swallowing the multi-layers of reality: I was told no about the job. I am telling myself no to the impulses in order to stay aligned with my goals. Paradoxically, IN THE LONG RUN, I am saying YES to financial integrity, physical health, mental wellness, and prosperity. The meaning of the word prosperity is frequently intertwined with wealth and money. In fact, the word prosperity is actually rooted in a sense of well being NOT how much wealth and money one has, but more so how well one is doing in life.

Lightbulb benny copyIn her book The Energy of Money, Author Maria Nemeth states that money can be the source of great joy and creativity or it can bring frustration and misery. “Everything we do and dream of is affected by our relationship with this powerful form of ENERGY”. I am creating a new relationship with money – treating it as a friend rather than an unwanted guest who takes up residence in my life. When I go for short term gratification, I disempower myself and don’t acquire the wisdom that comes with waiting for the feelings to be embraced and digested and for the impulse to pass. I sabotage the opportunity to acquire the power I need to live a meaningful and successful life. Because money is energy, the impulses we experience to spend it are actually an effect of an energetic movement, like when the wind moves through our hair.

Maria Nemeth shares a great equation: Knowledge (like establishing goals) plus Wisdom (for example riding out the need to respond to the impulse) Equals POWER (being accountable, staying on track, reaching the goal). So rather than hiding out under my covers today, I went for a 4 mile walk along the ocean. Just say NO to the easy fix and say YES to the possibility of being accountable. Just say YES … you betch’em Red Rider!

Peace out,

Kathleen

Finding Home In 2015

Happy New Year! Although I have not written a post since Thanksgiving, I have done a great deal of thinking during the past few weeks about where to go with my posts. I recently recognized that I am ready to move onto topics other than grief. Grief finally found its proper place within my psyche – it is no longer front and center, but instead has settled into a space of compelling awareness. I did not choose this path of learning – it was thrust upon me and took me totally by surprise. As I approach the 4 year anniversary of Roy’s death, I am aware that grief was a bitter learning experience and yet the experience of bitterness allowed me to see how fragile I am and also how strong I am in the fragility.

I have actively engaged in many bodies of work to reach these insights: thrice weekly psychoanalysis, bi-monthly spiritual direction, 5 days a week of intense cardiovascular exercise, daily contemplative prayer and meditation, regular participation in Landmark Education courses, and quarterly readings with an intuitive. I learned last week from my intuitive that Roy has finally arrived “home” after 3 1/2 years of journeying through multi-dimensional fields of space and time – this makes sense because Roy was a rocket scientist after all. Roy is happy in this “promised land” where he has found rest, peace, intellectual companionship, and cosmic aliveness. Since learning of Roy’s arrival to his home destination, I feel free to fully focus with new eyes on my life. Knowing Roy is safe and happy has freed my soul to move onto what is next for me in this incarnation. This liberation has allowed me to move away from grief and to move towards my work with Whispers of Wisdom® in the areas of falling in love as a mature adult, aging, physical fitness, health and sexuality, money, spirituality, and family. In the coming weeks I will be writing about these topics.

The concept of Whispers of Wisdom was born roughly 14 years ago after I attended an 8 hour Live Your Best Life Seminar with Oprah Winfrey in San Francisco. I was exulted by this experience because I had the opportunity to speak to Oprah in front of 2000 people. I acknowledged her work with women and shared that she had inspired me to create more opportunities in my work as a psychotherapist to support women in finding the call of their life. When I later talked to Roy about it, he asked me probing questions as only an intellectual property attorney could do about my passion and Oprah’s inspiration. He was curious about what was being evoked within me about following the call of vocation. I responded that through my work with clients, as well as in my personal life, I was learning that at certain times of an individual’s journey, they are very clear about what needs to be done. Yet at other times it’s hard to hear what our heart and minds or perhaps a higher source of intelligence is trying to tell us to do. I said it’s almost like a whisper at times, difficult to hear and understand, but is filled with so much awareness and wisdom. Then it hit me that we often are listening to inner ‘whispers of wisdom’. He and I both liked the sound of that phrase and Roy began the trademark application process for me. After much contemplation, thinking through, researching, and studying, The Certificate of Registration for Whispers of Wisdom was issued on January 6, 2006.HotPink-Flowers_hearts

I have designated 2015 as The Year of Integration. I will be pulling together the threads of the whispers I have heard during the past several years about vocation, being of service, living a full and happy life, and accepting responsibility for designing that kind of life. The topics I mentioned earlier are the crux of life and play a big part in how we create a meaningful life. It is imperative that we learn to decipher and hear the whispers of wisdom that come at the most unusual times and in a variety of different ways. In the weeks ahead I will share how you too can learn to decipher these ‘whispers of wisdom’.

Namaste and Thank You for taking the time to read my posts.

Now You “See” It, Now You Don’t…

Now you see it, now you don'tI had a meltdown yesterday and it is only December 2!  After an intense session with my analyst, I returned home, ate lunch, and felt exhausted.  I took a 2 1/2 hour nap with my cats and woke up feeling tired. Then I spotted the familiar red wrapped boxes in my kitchen. The day before I bought several boxes of See’s candy to give to various people.  I didn’t think twice – I ripped open one of the boxes and proceeded to eat 7 pieces of candy.  I then made coffee and was able to work for a few hours from the mixture of sugar and caffeine.  I felt no guilt.  So what was the emotional trigger?  I confronted yet again the reality that I miss Roy and our holiday traditions and I am not in a serious love relationship yet  (by my own choice).  I feel alone.

Lastsanta week I decorated my place with our decorations,  as well as those of my mother’s that I have. Now she and Roy are both dead – just writing that four letter word “dead” feels sad and heavy.  I started playing holiday music on Thanksgiving eve – an annual tradition I started with Roy several years ago.  The tradition was a fun and humorous point of contention between us because Roy didn’t really like listening to holiday music all day, every day, for 30 days.  So now when I hear the music I reflect on how much I miss his sarcasm about the music and yet, I still love listening to it. I am grateful that I can listen to it again and that I decorated for the holidays.

Three years after Roy’s death, the holidays still warrant critical focus on physical, emotional and spiritual self care.  So what am I doing?  I have my five day per week exercise routine that I stick to, I eat sensibly and allow for holiday cheer in moderation (the other boxes of See’s candy will be delivered tomorrow and I put the one I attacked in the garbage this morning), I see my analyst, I journal, I work on my projects, I pray as I look at the ocean each morning, I help others by giving my time to charities I support, and I am making plans with friends and family for fun outings between now and January 1, 2015.  I am creating balance in my days.  I have carved out time for quiet reflection, as well as dates to be with people I love and feel at home with.  This is critical for those of us who have endured the loss of loved ones. I don’t believe it is healthy to spend a great deal of time alone or to be so overextended with activities that we are tired and disconnected from our core self. Balance is the name of the game.

Romain RollandAs a mental health practitioner and a widow of 3+ years, I know that holidays are particularly hard for those who are grieving.  If grief is new to you, then your capacity to plan activities might be hindered – let someone help you plan what you will do or have someone stay with you.  The late French author Romain Rolland says: “Be reverent, before the dawning day. Do not think of what will be in a year, or in ten years. Just think of today.”  So whether grief is new or familiar, take good care of you right now.  Cry, sob, rest, pray, eat, and love – that is enough for this holiday season.

Namaste,

Kathleen

What are you trying to tell me?

Sahasrara chakraFor the past year and a half I have had a chronic need to scratch the top of my head. This is a recurring condition that surfaces when I am under stress. As a result of the scratching, I have a bald spot at the top of my head in the crown chakra area. The crown chakra, Sahasrara in the Hindu tradition, is associated with one’s relationship to the eternal, a higher power, or God. Health issues associated with the crown chakra include nervousness and skin disorders. When I am nervous, anxious, bored, daydreaming, or driving my hand will make its way up to the spot. I feel soothed while I scratch this spot – similar to how one feels while biting her nails. I want this to stop but have not found the correct modality for stopping the itch. I know I am itching to soothe something – the continuing anxiety that has accompanied me since Roy’s death. Or maybe I itch to soothe the anger and rage that I feel about the unfairness of life. Or perhaps my spiritual life is demanding more attention.

This week I made an appointment with a cranial sacral practitioner (www.upledger.com) to see if she could help me. The minute I walked into her office I felt a sense of calm. I became tearful as I explained my issue and outlined all that I have been dealing with since Roy’s death. She was very compassionate and reflected back to me that it was apparent to her that I have worked very hard to get to the place I am today. We proceeded with my session and at end she asked that I talk to the sore spot on my head and see what it could tell me. She left the room and placed a piece of blank paper on her desk. She suggested that I write down what I heard. I heard the spot tell me that it was angry at God for taking Roy from me. For the next 24 hours I did not scratch my head – this was the longest period of relief in 18 months. It would seem that my spiritual life is asking for attention.

Louise Hay you can heal your lifeMetaphysical and intuitive healer Louise Hay writes about self healing and the mind-body connection. I checked her book You Can Heal Your Life for some ideas. In this book, Hay discusses that the body, like everything else in life, is a mirror of our inner thoughts and beliefs. Our bodies are always talking to us – we just need to take the time to listen. She states that THE HEAD represents our sense of ourselves. It is what we show the world. When something is wrong with the head area, it typically means we feel something is wrong with “us”.

So what does this all mean to me, my life and this latest episode of head scratching? My mind is overworked by the continuing acclimation to this strange new world as a single woman. In some ways I continue to feel odd as a single woman. However, at the same time, I am dating men and am learning to enjoy how it feels to get close to some of them. “Getting close” involves being vulnerable and opening up about me, my life, and my dreams. Not too surprisingly “getting close” raises stress levels – I wonder consciously and undoubtedly unconsciously about how am I being seen by these new men – am I accepted and acceptable?

As Louise Hay notes, the head represents our sense of self. I believe the head scratching is how my body is letting me know that I worry about being accepted more than I am consciously aware of. In other words, unconsciously the symptom is scratching at me to be recognized. Bottom line: Will I ever be loved by another man as I was by Roy. More so, will I love myself well enough to stand tall in my new life as a single woman and be secure whether I meet a new special someone or not?

relection-womanI will continue to work with my cranial sacral practitioner. I already have a better understanding about the mind-body-spiritual connection. On many conscious levels all is well in my world. I think this regularly and proceed “full steam ahead”. The top of my head however is saying “Pay Attention … Go slowly … Something is bubbling to the surface”. I am learning to manage this nervous scratching/soothing habit by talking to the top of my head … Asking questions like “what do you want to tell me”. Then I sit and reflect while looking out at the ocean from my terrace. I am calmed by the eternal nature of the ocean and am connecting to my understanding of the Divine. The journey of grief waxes and wanes – my body and spirit know this in many ways that my mind does not.

Namaste.

Shedding Light

CURTAIN SKY1Recently I was asked why I share such personal information on my blog. The questioner stated that he could not imagine “revealing” this kind of material in a public forum. I have been thinking about this query for the past couple of weeks. The verb to reveal comes from the 14th century old French reveler which means to uncover, to disclose, to “unveil”. The mission of my blog is to share my personal story, inform, educate, and ultimately contribute to the well-being of others who have lost a significant other and are attempting to find their footing in the new world in which they are living. In order to do this, I must “remove the veil” that could keep a distance between me and you my reader about the real experiences I encountered along my journey. I am compelled to tackle the deeper/harder issues that one encounters during grief because I believe the spirit of my experience will come through and reach people more authentically than if I stayed hidden behind a veil of discretion or academic writing. I can talk about my descent to the underworld of grief, as well as my ascent back to the world of the living. I am a straight shooter and believe that declarative writing serves me best because it allows me to make my experiences known thus allowing me to offer reflections and hopefully a life line to others. The late Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung talks about the value of going into the depths of one’s experience in order to open oneself beyond the personal ego. He believed that individuals grow continually in psychic awareness by paying attention to dreams, exploring the worlds of religion and spirituality, and questioning the assumptions of the operant societal world views.

Grieving Muslim woman2I had a very important dream roughly two weeks after Roy’s death. In the dream, I am in Israel and dressed in the clothes that I wore to Roy’s funeral – an ankle length black skirt, a black blouse and vest and black sandals. I am walking on an old cobblestone road and I notice the architecture of buildings from ancient Israel. I am leading the funeral procession of friends and family to the cemetery. Roy’s casket is behind me in a horse drawn cart and following the casket is a very large group of family members and friends. At one point I look back at the group and tell them to settle down as they were too boisterous and not showing the decorum I felt was fitting to the occasion. As I turn back to look ahead, I see another funeral procession approaching us. The group draws closer and I see a Moslem woman veiled and dressed in black. She is accompanied by two family members on either side of her. I recognize she is also a widow.  I take note that I walk alone and in front of the others and she is supported by two loving family members. I tell my family and friends to move to the side and let the Moslem procession pass by. As the black draped widow passes me, she and I turn toward each other and bow. We then stand up and look each other in the eyes – her black eyes are strained and filled with despair. My blue eyes are filled with tears. In the moment that our eyes connect, I know that we are acknowledging the universal pain that women have carried for centuries. Women are typically the ones who meet the caskets of husbands, sons, and daughters killed in war.

This dream told me that my pain was not only personal but one being shared by thousands of women at the same time all around the world. Women from very different cultures were experiencing pain like mine and in an odd and comforting way, I was not entirely alone in my pain. The dream spoke of my response and the other widow’s response to death, grief, and widowhood. Through our eye to eye contact, we recognized a part of our self in the other.

I hope that up to this point my posts have revealed to you that my journey of grief was gnarly. I needed a great deal of psychological, spiritual, and loving support from a diverse team of professionals, clergy, family, and close friends. Many of my family members and friends worried about me and were concerned whether I would make it back in tact to the land of the living. I think it is evident from my posts that I have returned with a depth of perspective and a wealth of experience. Life has never felt so sweet to me as it does now. For this sweetness, I am eternally grateful.

The moral of my story: Never give up on yourself or life.never give up

Carpe diem,

Kathleen

Managing the Early Days of Grief

I have been asked since starting my blog of how I managed to get through the early days of grief.

In-the-tunnel

During the first 12 months, I depended greatly on a poem by the late Irish poet, John O’Donohue, entitled “On Grief” from To Bless the Space Between Us, which I have included below.  A colleague sent me this poem perhaps three days following Roy’s death.  I read it at Roy’s memorial service.  I knew the minute I received it that it would be a critical part of my learning to understand what had happened to me and what was to come.  I referenced it frequently during the first year – attempting to understand exactly where I was intrapsychically – within myself, not necessarily in the world.  What I know from my journey is critical for those of us left behind to get reoriented to a very different world.  It begins by going inward and then outward, in a slow and uncomfortable oscillating dance.  Poetry took me inward and participating in a widows’ group took me outward.  I also logged my dreams on a regular basis.  I no longer see the gap in the air that O’Donohue references at the end of his poem.  Roy is a fully embodied presence within my intrapsychic world.  Yes I visit his grave and leave flowers.  But most of all I dialogue with him regularly by having dedicated a permanent seat for him at the table of my inner life.  We feast together and celebrate our love – he from afar and me right here on Mother Earth.  Meanwhile I also stay busy with becoming my own person – a woman with a life of her own.

“On Grief “– John O’Donohue  from To Bless the Space Between Us

When you lose someone you love, your life becomes strange.  The ground beneath you becomes fragile.  Your thoughts make your eyes unsure; and some dead echo drags your voice down where words have no confidence.  Your heart has grown heavy with loss; and though this loss has wounded others too, no one knows what has been taken from you when the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret for all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy; again inside the fullness of life.  Until the moment breaks and you are thrown back onto the black tide of loss.  Days when you have your heart back, you are able to function well, until in the middle of work or encounter, suddenly with no warning, you are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.  All you can depend on now is that sorrow will remain faithful to itself.  More than you, it knows its way and will find the right time to pull and pull the rope of grief until that coiled hill of tears has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance with the invisible form of your departed; and when the work of grief is done, the wound of loss will heal and you will have learned to wean your eyes from that gap in the air and be able to enter the hearth in your soul where your loved one has awaited your return.   All the time.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Harold-Kushner-Good-PeopleRabbi Harold Kushner wrote in his best selling book When Bad Things Happen to Good People  that bad things happen to good and bad people alike – and good things often happen to bad people.  I knew before Roy died that life was not fair, but my personal relationship to this statement took on a whole different meaning in the wake of his death.   I have learned from Roy’s sudden death and disappearance from my life that death frequently arrives with little time to prepare.  I know at a very deep level that it is better to be as complete as possible with the people in my life  because I don’t know when I will die or for that matter when they will die.   My relationship to my personal death is  very different now.  I am not so afraid anymore – I lived through the dark journey to the underworld and came back up to the world of the living with a refreshed and renewed sense of what it means to be alive.  To be alive means that I am breathing, feeling, thinking, loving, caring, hating, disliking, enjoying, feeling bored, and delighting in the ever present curiosity of what’s next in my life.  I don’t spend near as much time feeling frightened of the uncertainty that is coupled with my unfolding future – I merely remember the load of bricks that was thrown on my shoulders in July 2011.  As best as I can,  I shake off the current shards of fear that attempt to prick me at any given time of the day.    Yes I live with anxiety every day.  I fear getting close to another man because I think of what it would be like if he were to die suddenly like Roy or like my father who died when I was four years old.  I woke up the day after my father’s death to the reality that I would never see him again.  That was a lot for a little four year old to take on – to live with the reality that “Daddy is never coming home again”.  The trauma of my father’s death has accompanied me throughout my life – and was reactivated with Roy’s death.  How could I lose the two most important men in my life to sudden death?  Well, life is not fair.  Bad things happen to good people.  Roy was a fantastic man – he took care of himself, ate healthfully, took supplements, knew more than most medical professionals about how the body works.  And boom – sudden cardiac arrest.  Gone.  Forever.   He was a good person and he was taken out of the game before he was ready.   Meanwhile bad people continue to take up space, create havoc, and give little back to our society.  Go figure.

raven I believe that it is imperative that the reality  of death needs to sit on our left shoulder 24-7 like a squawking black raven.  This raven serves as an unrelenting reminder that we need to seize the moments of our lives with gusto and perseverance.  If someone you love died recently or years ago and you have not adequately grieved the loss, the pain of the death will rob you of life, joy, and hope for the future.   You must do the foot work of grief.  It is painful, hard, and lonely  … and people have been doing it since the beginning of time.  Irish poet John O’Donohue states in his poem For Grief that when you lose someone you love, your life becomes strange.  Yes indeed it does. However, at the end of the crippling journey of grief there is a moment when you realize you have finished the hardest part of the journey back to life.  You notice that spring is back, that the air smells delicious, and that people are commenting that they notice a sparkle in your eye again.  It is a heavy price to pay for recognizing that life is incredible.   But this recognition is awaiting each of us when grief has been completed. I encourage you to grab it when it arrives and don’t let go.  You deserve to feel that incredible sense of being alive … again.